Wouldn’t you just love to have everything go your way?
Your spouse does everything you want him or her to do, even before you express your wishes.
Your boss gives you a raise before you can ask for it.
The red traffic lights all turn to green just as you approach them, and traffic jams dissolve before you get snarled up in them.
Well, dream on. Real life is not like that.
Welcome to reality
You don’t really control much of anything at all, if you think about it deeply enough. You can control your actions, barely, if you work hard at it. Everything else… well, good luck!
Frustration begets anger
There are many reasons for people to get angry. We have discussed this in detail in a previous post at http://goo.gl/3Q6Moz. A major cause is the frustration resulting from the realization that things are not going the way you want them to go.
And, by the way, others often don’t do what we want them to do. Ever notice that? That can make you fly off the handle, too, if you are not careful.
Disappointment and worry
We tend to have expectations of how people should behave, how things should turn out, how our lives should unfold. Yet nobody has all of his or her expectations met.
Unmet expectations, constant worry, and disappointment can all be expressed as an outburst of anger.
Why worry about anger?
Many authorities warn us about the dangers of uncontrolled anger.
An Indian epic of philosophy and religion, the Gita, warned us about a living hell on earth thousands of years ago:
Trividham narkasya idam dvaram nashanamatmanah
Kamah krodhastada lobhastasmadetat trayam tyajet (Gita 16:21)
This Sanskrit verse tells us that there is a door which leads the living soul to hell and destruction. This door is made up of three parts: anger, uncontrolled lust/desire, and greed. All three of these evils must be rejected forthright.
When to seek help
When anger interferes significantly with your lifestyle, your work, your relationships, it is time to take action. Some steps you can take yourself, while others are best done under the supervision of professionals.
Know thyself!
There is no way you can get a handle on your anger issues unless you first take a step back, sit down in a quiet place, and ask yourself: “What makes me angry?”
It is not that difficult
You do not need to reinvent the wheel here. Most people get angry with issues related to family members, friends, their careers/ work environment, or traffic problems.
Most of the triggers involve a feeling of loss of control, or things not going according to your plans or wishes.
Identify the major situations and triggers which set off a spasm of anger, and preferably write them down.
Confine yourself to major or frequent issues. As they say, don’t sweat the small stuff.
What do you really want?
This is often the crux of the problem. We want X to love us, but he or she loves Y.
We want the cars ahead of us to get a move on and get out of our way, because we are getting late.
We want the book we wrote to become an overnight success.
When it doesn’t happen, we get angry.
We need to ask ourselves, “What do I really want to happen, which is not happening?”
Logic dissolves anger
Once you start thinking things through calmly, your brain starts taking control, and your emotions stop pulling and pushing you all over the place.
Distorted thinking, rapid-fire decision making, and impulsive, aggressive action are the hallmarks of the anger response. Shining the light of reason can help to dispel the darkness of emotion and anger.
So solve the problem!
When you explode in anger, you are reacting (quite often, over-reacting).
Let’s get away from that, identify the problem, and then try to solve it.
Once you find out what makes you angry, and what you would like to be different, it is time to ask yourself: “Can I do anything about it?”
Tried controlling others?
It usually cannot be done. The only one truly under your control is yourself, and your own actions. So quit trying to control the world (or your spouse)!
Light a candle
Don’t just curse the darkness!
Once you identify a problem, try to think about solving it in a different way. Instead of blaming others, make an attempt to change your own behavior and expectations.
Suppose you and your spouse are often late for your appointments. Instead of ranting and raving at your significant other, and blaming them for always making you late, ask yourself if they are overworked. If you help lighten their load, they will appreciate it, and have more time to get ready.
Change yourself, and perhaps others will notice it, and be more motivated to work with you to solve problems rationally.
Other techniques
We have discussed time-outs, yoga, deep breathing, mindful meditation, exercise and their role in anger management in a previous article at http://goo.gl/v9dQ0d.
Avoiding grudges, practicing forgiveness, and use of humor are also beneficial techniques.
Professional help
Seek the help of trained specialists:
- If your own steps to manage your anger do not show satisfactory results.
- If you cause harm to others during your outbursts.
- If your anger causes problems with your job and career.
- If you do things in a fit of anger which you wish you had not done.
- If you have had problems with law enforcement agencies as a consequence of your actions when you were angry.
Epictetus of Rome (55 AD- 135 AD)
“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
“When you are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.”
The philosopher emphasized that external events cannot disturb your equilibrium, no matter how nasty they are. Only you can do that, by deciding how you will react emotionally to those events. Choose wisely and thoughtfully.
The Gita, again
Shaknotihaiva yah sodhum prak sharira vimokshanata
Kamakrodhotabhavama yogama sa yuktaha sa sukhi narah (Gita 5:23)
This verse tells us that there are waves (usually giant waves) of uncontrolled desires and uncontrolled anger that all human beings experience during their lives. The true yogi, the one who has mastered yoga, and the truly happy person, is he or she who is able to tolerate and ride out these waves.
Summary
- You have a choice.
- Choose not to be angry, but to solve the problem.
- Choose to be a yogi.
- Choose to be happy.
- There are many techniques and many pathways to a happy and satisfying life. Read more about this in my book “How to Lead a satisfying Life: 11 Universal Lessons From the Gita,” available at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00W5TGM1U.
Thanks for this advice. Just wish everybody could read this, it would make a better world.
Appreciate your comments, Emily. You are very kind.
Really appreciate these articles,.. They speak of deep Truths, incredibly beneficial, especially in this world today.
I have dealt with my own anger issues long ago, by employing such techniques and consistent constant study of the IChing. I am deeply grateful for the peace it has brought.
Altho, as with everyone, I still have my moments… Moreso in the last 5years… Since reuniting with a long lost love….
And herein lies my question to u: How does one handle someone Else, with whom one is living with, who has deeply rooted anger issues but refuses to acknowledge, admit, address or deal with iit?
I’ve sent articles such as this, which he refuses to read… Have tried in every way I can think of to ‘shine the yellow light’ of moderation and enlightenment… Nothing is working.
I understand that we cannot control another’s behavior… Only our own… And under normal circumstances, I would leave until and/or if the issues resolved… Unfortunately, that is not possible.
Sooooo… How does one handle ir??
I appreciate your insights into this matter…
Namaste’
Wendy
That is a tough problem, Wendy. You have actually already answered it. You cannot change anybody else, only yourself. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but nonetheless true. People change when they feel the need to change, or, at times, when ‘a building falls on them.’If you cannot leave, the only other option is to minimize the effects of somebody else’s anger on yourself, at least the emotional effects. Yoga, meditation, taking a time-out, are some methods to do this. However, if there is a physical threat to you, you should leave immediately before you get hurt. Even the emotional damage can be devastating. I would also recommend professional counseling. Go alone, if your partner will not accompany you. I certainly wish you the very best.