“I’m mad, and I’m not going to take it anymore!”
“Don’t get mad, get even!”
Comments and advice about anger are pervasive. People get angry, and then do something about it: act on it, get even, whatever.
It usually makes matters worse.
Act on your anger?
We have all seen examples of problems this can create.
The idea of revenge, of getting even with the person who has wronged you, of hitting out at whomever has made you angry, can be very enticing, especially when you are in the throes of your strong emotion. However, doing that can often hurt you more than it hurts the other person. And it frequently does not solve the problem.
As Mahatma Gandhi believed, an eye for an eye will eventually make the entire world blind.
So bottle up your anger?
That is not very helpful, either.
It is far better to understand your anger and its manifestations. This can be a prelude to making realistic plans to control your anger and channel your feelings in a more healthy direction.
Why are you angry?
This is the most important question you must ask yourself when you get angry, or at least as soon as you are capable of rational thinking after your anger eases up a little.
Unless you can identify the underlying reasons for your anger, it is unlikely that you will be able to control the damage it does.
Judging situations
We have a storm of thoughts constantly raging in our minds. Thoughts are essential, because they determine our actions.
So when we are in a novel situation, our minds immediately go to work. We first evaluate the conditions and quickly decide whether we are safe or not.
This is a built-in evolutionary response. If our ancestors did not perceive threats quickly and respond to them right away, they had to pay a heavy price. It was essential for survival that they evaluate and act promptly.
We still have those mechanisms in us, but they do not always function as they were designed to. Also, not everybody learns the skills needed to view reality objectively.
So we can misinterpret reality, and that can make us angry.
Response to a threat
Anger is a very common response whenever we feel that we or our loved ones are facing a significant threat. The signs and symptoms of anger, which we are all familiar with, are the result of hormonal changes in our bodies, with the underlying aim being to help us to deal with the threat rapidly and aggressively.
Adrenaline pours into our bloodstream, our blood pressure and heart rate rise, and the blood flow to muscles increases. We are prepared for “fight or flight.”
All of this happens very fast, with our thinking simplified in order to just assess the threat and respond immediately. Detailed and nuanced thinking is put on the back burner.
What threat?
Sorting this out can be challenging.
The threat might be real, and it might be directed at your body.
If you are in school, a bully could be threatening you with bodily harm. As an adult, you could be assaulted by another person.
At times, the threat is to your loved ones. And that can make you even more angry. In the animal kingdom, if a baby bear faces an aggressor, the mama bear gets very vicious and fights off the invader. Human parents can behave similarly.
Threat to property
An intruder could enter your home and attempt to rob you. Most people would respond to this with anger as a prelude to violence.
Threat to ego
This can provoke anger which is often misplaced, and uncalled for.
“How dare he/she say that/do that to me!”
In strongly patriarchal societies, men can have inflated egos, and misconstrue simple comments from their significant others as direct challenges to their “authority,” or ego. This triggers a spontaneous, angry response, which can, at times, escalate into a violent outburst of rage.
Members of certain groups can take offence if they hear statements from their colleagues which they consider to be “disrespectful.”
There are also people who have a rather distorted sense of self-esteem. The slightest blow to that image they have of themselves is poorly tolerated, and can lead to outbursts of anger.
Gang violence can be a manifestation of the above phenomenon.
Threat may be imaginary
This is one of the major problems we notice when we explore the emotion of anger in detail.
Real threats provoke anger, and that can be beneficial, as we try to urgently deal with an unexpected danger to life, limb, or property.
However, people can also imagine threats, and perceive threats which do not truly exist, except in their own minds. This leads to an unthinking angry response, which can hurt them.
Take a married couple, for example. One partner says or does something, which the other person does not like. It might be an innocent act, but the other person might take it as a deliberate slight. This can provoke either an outburst of rage, or sometimes passive anger, which can remain pent-up, and lead to chronic resentment. If there is a lack of frequent, honest communication, this can become a recurrent behavior pattern, driving the partners apart, and even leading to divorce.
Childhood conflicts
Not everybody has a perfect childhood. Many adults, however, can reconcile themselves with those experiences, and develop healthy attitudes as grown-ups.
Some people, on the other hand, are unable to move beyond the traumatic childhood events, which again could be real or imaginary.
A child who faces rejection from his or her parent, friends or relatives may carry a sense of bitterness, failure, and resentment into adulthood. This can cause a poor self image and a rather fragile ego. As an adult, such a person can become hyper-critical of others, and react angrily to otherwise ordinary comments and occurrences.
Unrealistic expectations
People may have an image of their abilities which is not shared by others. This leads them to feel that they will achieve certain financial or career goals, and when that does not happen, they feel disappointed. In some people, this disappointment turns into chronic bitterness, resentment, and anger.
Similarly, many people expect their friends, family members, or colleagues to act in a certain way, which may or may not be realistic. When faced with a different response, some of these these people can get very angry.
Loss of control
We are not always in control of events in the world or even in our lives. Unexpected things happen with surprising regularity in the lives of human beings. Some people are able to deal with it reasonably well, while others are not. This loss of control is a common cause for anger in many people.
Our desires or goals are interrupted
“I wanted to lead this project, but my boss has appointed John instead.”
“I wanted a diamond ring for my birthday, but my husband bought me a washing machine.”
“I want to earn a million dollars in the next five years, but the job market does not understand my unique skills.”
Feelings of entitlement
“I am smart. I should have a better job/more money/better girlfriend or boyfriend/bigger house/better car.”
Learned behavior and genetics
There are households in which one parent or the other always reacts to any unpleasant event with uncontrolled anger. Children in these households grow up without learning healthy methods of dealing with disappointments. Many of them are chronically angry as adults.
Workplace environments can also produce similar results. If your boss is constantly yelling and screaming at his or her subordinates, you might pick up those behavior patterns also, and start thinking that that is an appropriate way of dealing with others who report to you.
There is also a school of thought which believes that some children are predisposed to be more angry and irritable, and this persists in later life.
Frustration, skills and the blame game
A lot of people who get unduly angry repeatedly have poor social skills and a low tolerance for frustration. They have limited problem solving skills, and often blame others for their problems and their outbursts of anger. Their perception of reality is often distorted and one-sided.
Summary
Things are not always going to go the way we want them to go. People are not always going to behave the way we want them to. That is the nature of life. We need to learn to deal with this. Yelling and screaming and blaming others will not get us far. We have all seen people who do that, and most of them end up hurting themselves or their loved ones.
On the other hand, we have also seen people who react to similar circumstances in a more calm, relaxed, and mature manner. They focus on solving problems, not just on assigning blame.
We can learn to cope with our anger. For that, we need to understand what makes us angry, and then we can go on to acquire anger management skills.
We will deal with that in our subsequent posts. Stay tuned.
What about you?
What makes you angry?
How do you deal with your anger?
Please let us know.